Living with my wonderful friend, Anxiety

Well, here I am again, awake at night because my mind refuses to shut off. As I’m sure many of you with anxiety know, this is nothing out of the ordinary. It’s a daily (or nightly, in this circumstance) thing. I decided to write this in hopes that MAYBE, letting this out would give me some peace of mind (peace? what is that?).

So, to start, everyone experiences anxiety in their lifetime. I’d say a good amount of people experience general anxiety. Which, to me, is just the worry of everyday things, and typically the worry isn’t so strong. You know, “normal” things people worry about. Ahh, I miss the days of only experiencing general anxiety. For me, my general anxiety was worrying about what I’m gonna do with my future, but I never worried enough to let it consume me.

For some reason, within the past year or so my anxiety HAS consumed me. It began after I experienced my first full blown panic attack. I had panic attacks before, but for some reason these ones were SO much worse. It literally feels as if my body is just going to shut down, and I’m just gonna fall over and die. You know that feeling you get when you’re on a roller coaster and you get to the top of a hill, right before heading down, and it feels like every organ in your body just stops? That’s what it feels like, only worse, because you have no idea why it’s happening. I’ve managed to figure out some situations that cause panic attacks for me, but sometimes they still happen at random.

So on top of the general anxiety I was already feeling (which really wasn’t that bad), I now have a fear of panic attacks. Which essentially, is a fear of fear. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? But that’s what it does to you. That’s the anxiety consuming you, making you feel that the fear is real, even when it’s not. And for those who say “well just stop worrying about it”, I wish I could. But that’s not how it works. My brain doesn’t let me “stop worrying”, it’s a mental illness. And yes, of course I’ve tried meds, cause who wouldn’t want to take a magic pill that makes it go away? If only it worked like that for me. SSRI’s do nothing but make it worse for me (which is what a lot of doctors prescribe), and benzodiazepines turn me into a zombie. Plus, I don’t really want to turn into that xanax popping girl who can’t remember anything. So, my only choice is to try and defeat it on my own the best I can.

For anyone else going through this, you know how difficult this is. I’m in a constant state of nervousness. Most of the time I don’t even want to leave my house. Driving makes me more anxious. Any type of social interaction puts me on edge. But I still get up everyday and do the things I need to do. One of the most important things I’ve learned in this battle so far, is that I can’t let my anxiety stop me from living. It may limit me sometimes, but it won’t stop me. Because if it stops me, then anxiety wins.

Thankfully I’ve had a very supportive boyfriend and family throughout this whole thing. I’ve learned some helpful things along this journey as well. So, I have a few tips for anyone who suffers from anxiety and/or panic attacks.

-BREATHE. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very important to learn how to breathe to calm yourself down. I’ve found a breathing technique that calms me down fairly quickly when I have a panic attack. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds, and then exhale for 8 seconds. It takes a couple times of doing this, but it works. There’s plenty of online guides and videos that will show you how to do this.

-Talk to someone. Whether it be a family member, friend, or therapist, just talk to someone. Holding it all in makes it worse.

-Make time for yourself. My panic attacks started when I was working full time and taking an online class that was accelerated (horrible decision). I didn’t have time for myself. So I switched jobs. I only work part time now, and my classes are full term. Although I’m taking 3 classes, they are so much less stressful being 16 weeks instead of 8 weeks. Plus with me only working part time now, I actually have some free time, which is wonderful.

Anxiety can be a monster. It can easily take over and make you feel like you’re losing your mind. But, you’re not alone out there. Take each day at a time. Start out with setting small goals for yourself. Whatever you do, keep going. As long as you keep going, anxiety can’t win.